Things I’m still mourning the loss of:

1. Sex and the City.

Le sigh. No more snarky Miranda quips to steal. No more outfits to copy. No more, “I had to wonder…”s. I want the entire collection that comes in the pink box. WITHOUT the movies.

2. The time when being pale was chic.

This was probably 1890 when it was fashionable to never go outside because you had the help to do that for you. I hate tans - I really do. I even hate tan Barbies. They look dirty. The same goes for living people, too.

3. When Lifetime used to play Will and Grace & The Golden Girls around the clock.

I have no interest in How I Met Your Mother or any of that crap. I want old ladies being dirty and gay culture. I want Sophia’s one liners and jokes about Grace being jewish and eating chicken (It’s real and it’s deep).

4. When Nick Arrojo was on What Not to Wear.

Ted, you are too gentle with these idiots. Nick used to hack their ponytails off & wave them in their faces. Tough love. We don’t want to see them cry in the chair, get the haircut, then cry again when Carmindy puts their face on.

5. Daria.

I catch it every now and again on Logo, but it’s so funny and true and relevant.

6. When MTV used to play music videos.

Now it’s just Teen Mom 24/7. I can’t watch that show. It angers me.

7. Reading for pleasure.

I remember when I asked for Barnes & Noble gift cards because I went through books so fast I couldn’t afford them. Now all I read are cases and statutes. I do still read a book or two over Christmas and Summer. But I miss literature.

8. When the Target Go International lines were good.

Erin Fetherston? Luella Bartley, anyone? Libertine, Thakoon. The latest ones have been a joke. Zac Posen, you let me down. I had high expectations for your line. You too, Rodarte. Still waiting for you to make this up to me.

9. The Yoplait raspberry & chocolate mousse Whips.

The chocolate is still there, but this one was infinitely better & I used to buy it ALL the time. Then they just went away. What happened, Yoplait? I was buying them.

10. Lemon coolers.

This involves backstory: When I was little and living in Virginia, my grandaddy would buy bread from the Rainbow Bread Factory store we had in town. They sold boxes of cookies called lemon coolers. They were shaped like Nilla wafers, except they tasted like lemon and were covered in powdered sugar. They were the best. They are extinct.

11. Not winning Elecution in elementary school.

I was robbed.

12. Not getting an award for my 6th grade social studies project on the Titanic.

It was glorious, thorough, eloquent, informative, a thing of beauty. I was robbed.

13. Not winning my Trial Ad competition two weeks ago.

I was robbed. Not really. I was beaten, I’m just still sore about it. But in the preceding two instances I was really robbed. Looking back as an adult I can see how awesome I was, and I can confidently claim favoritism.

14. A gold strawberry earring.

I inherited them and lost one in my dorm room my first year of college. Still upset. When I have money I’ll get a jeweler to copy the one I have.

15. Being able to read the news like a normal person.

For example, when I read that Dov Charney was facing yet another sexual harassment suit, I didn’t think “Oh, what a creeper;” I started going over the elements the plaintiff has to meet to prove quid pro quo sexual harassment & hostile work environment, and how she’s probably not going to be able to prove quid pro quo but she could get hostile work environment because it’s easier & I hope she filed that. Law school has changed the way I think & that scares me.

I’m high maintenance. I’m not really proud of it. Traveling isn’t easy for me because I have an entire bag dedicated to all the products I need to look the way I do every day. I wish I was one of those people that could be ready to go somewhere in 20 minutes and only traveled with a small bag. I’m just not. I have a lot of problems that I need things for.

1. Hair

I color my hair, so I need shampoo for that & leave-in conditioner & I occasionally use a color glaze. My hair is fine, so I need mousse. It’s short, so I have to blow dry with a brush. And I always use Paul Mitchell styling cream & sometimes hairspray. That’s 8 things in the bag so far.

2. Face

I have acne, so I need my prescription face wash & cream for morning, my face wash & cream for night, healing cream, & spot treatment. I have fair skin, so I need a lotion with SPF. I have sensitive skin, so I need a good cream to put on at night. I also carry Elizabeth Arden eight hour cream for dry spots. That’s 9 more.

But I haven’t even gone into makeup yet. I wear an anti shine primer, clinique city block for day, cheek stain, eyeliner, eyebrow powder, mascara, concealer, & a setting powder. For night I need liquid base, eyeshadow, a different mascara, powder blush, & a heavier concealer. Sometimes I put on a highlighter. 14 more items in the bag.

3. Body

Now that I work out, I have break outs on my back and chest. Fun stuff. So, I need body wash & toner for that. The rest is basic: razor, lotion, deoderant, perfume. Only 6 things this time.

4. Health

I have issues, so I need anti-depressants. I don’t want children, so I need birth control. I also take vitamins: B, fish oil, and a multivitamin. 5 medications.

Have you been keeping track? That’s 42 separate items. I need 42 things to maintain my appearance and well being. That’s ridiculous. And I’m being conservative in this list. I often have extras that hop along. I haven’t even gone into clothes, jewelry, shoes, & law books so that I can read my assignments. I’m a traveling nightmare. I hate going on trips with other people because I show up with a caravan and everyone else has one bag.

But I keep developing problems, & people make products for them, & then I have to buy them and rely on them. And that’s consumerism.

It’s fashion week season again. Last week was New York, this week it’s London; Milan & Paris soon to follow. This means that I’m spending a lot of time on my iPhone looking at the shows on my app. I’m also on looking at slideshows of all the outfits that editors & spectators are wearing to the shows.

All this oogling & oggling will inevitably lead to a few things:

1. I have discovered even more shoes that I want.

Last time I counted up my pairs of shoes, I had 55. I’ve bought a few pairs since then, so now I’m somewhere around 60. I don’t need anymore shoes. In fact, I need to get rid of some. But this creates separation anxiety on my part & I just can’t bear to do it.

2. I learn of the new trends, and SURPRISE!, I have to buy some more items to work them.

This is pretty much gonna go like the shoe scenario. I have 2 closets, one dedicated strictly for bottoms & one for tops. The bars in both are bowing. I don’t need anymore clothes. I need to edit. But the anxiety - can’t be done.

3. I develop body dysmorphia & feel that I must immediately drop 10 lbs.

This is what happens when you stare at 6ft 20lb models for hours on end each day. Although, this isn’t so bad this year because I started working out in January & have already tightened up to some degree. I’ve also started to notice that some of these women have freakish shoulders that look like curtain rods. But I do want a flat tummy - not washboard abs (I think that looks gross on women), just a slim tummy.

But I don’t have the time or money for any of this. I’m in lawschool and living on student loans. I can’t afford anything. Everything I have bought for myself in the past 2 years is not paid for & is sitting in my closet accruing interest. I make it to the gym an average of 3 days a week - sometimes I can do 4, sometimes I can only do 2. Including driving time, it’s an hour and a half out of my day. That doesn’t seem like a lot, but I can read upwards of 40 pgs in that time or wash my car, both of which need to be done at some point.

Fashion week makes me feel poor & fat - yet I love it. Look forward to it 2 times out of every year.

“I don’t really notice that he’s got a high-pitched voice. I just think he’s so goddamn perfect that people have to find something wrong with him. We were about to go out somewhere the other day, and he was sending an email. He was sitting at the end of the bed, and he had no clothes on whatsoever. I was getting out of the shower, and I just stood there looking at him. He was all tan. Has all those tattoos, which I love. Hadn’t done his hair. He just naturally looks good all the time. He never looks like shit in the morning. Never. So he’s sitting there sending his e-mails, all ripped. Not an ounce of fat on him. And I thought, you done good, girl. I sure wasn’t thinking of his high-pitched voice.”

Victoria Beckham, when asked about her husband’s - David Beckham’s- singing voice
“American fashion seems oblivious to anything happening beyond the runway and the minor front-row celebrities stirring up a paparazzi storm.”

Suzy Menkes
“Jackie O would never have camel toe.”

Tim Gunn, Project Runway

People that I don’t think are stylish despite people being obsessed with them:

- All the Kardashians except for Kendall & Kylie, the 15 & 14 yr olds

Too much makeup, black spandex, & leather. These broads keep trying to dress in the vein of edgy, heroin chic - play up the curves, embrace the vintage.

- Angelina Jolie

Back away from the neutrals. Every now & again, you hit it & people swoon over it. Then they seem to have amnesia about your other 360 outfits of the year that were dull, boring, & unflattering. And please stop cutting your bangs. They don’t soften your look because there is no softness to your look - you just look like you’re trying to be feminine.

- Megan Fox

We get it, you’re trying to work the bombshell angle. The problem is, your body has too many sharp angles & not enough curves. Please stop showing us the little chest you have. Cover up & be a lady. And stop wearing baggy jeans around LA. That went out in 1998, yet you still seem to be finding JNCOs somewhere.

- Everyone from the Hills

You’re all either boring as hell or complete sluts. Stop trying every single trend you can get your hands on.

- Kristen Stewart

Awkward is not a fashion trend. Put some jewelry on, stand up straight. Again, act like a lady. It may help if you stop making movies where your character is an angry or tormented stereotype. It’s not acting if you keep playing yourself.

- Katy Perry

How many times do I have to say be a lady? Stop wearing plastic dresses. Tone down the clown makeup. Your hair doesn’t have to be five colors at once. You always look like you’re wearing a costume & not an outfit.

I think I’ll continue this list at a later date.

I’m obsessed.

I’m obsessed.

Dear Rachel Zoe,

I love your show - I watch it obsessively. I think your styling is genius. I want to steal Brad from you & make him my bestie. But I’m starting to not like the way you treat your hubby.

Rodger, although he’s a bit caught up in the mannery, is a good guy. He runs your business, he puts up with your shopping, he’s been with you for years. Give the man some sexy time. Seriously, he is surrounded by gay men all the time, he has to constantly live in the fashion world. I hate to break it to you, but straight men don’t enjoy this. They like football, and steaks, and large beers, not waifish models in chiffon & velvet confections.

Not only does he give you awesome gifts on holidays, he is practically begging you for a child. What man does that? Name one guy who goes around holding his friends’ babies & comes home whining for one. No man does that - that is a rarity.

When you are old & your bones are too brittle to wear platforms, you’re going to look back & wish you had had a child/children to pass on your fashion empire to a la the Missoni’s. Belts, bags, & shoes wear out, break, get holes, etc. The escapism of fashion isn’t a substitute for a real life. If you don’t realize this soon, I will come find you & beat your with your Chanel bag.

My current man crushes (because I’m really bored right now):

1. The Ryans - Gosling & Reynolds. I can’t choose. Please don’t ask me to. Both are funny, dress very well, and are equally gorgeous.

2. Jon Hamm - I think a lot of people are attracted to Don Draper rather than Mr. Hamm himself. I thought Jon was hilarious on 30 Rock and is far more adorable than the Draper b/c he’s a comedian by nature & has been with the same woman for years, & isn’t an alcoholic - all positives in my book.

3. Clive Owen - I get that a lot of women don’t find him attractive per se. And I’ll admit he’s not the prettiest. But it’s his attitude, voice, accent, etc. all added up that work. He’s very manly, but not in a brute sense.