Things I’m still mourning the loss of:
1. Sex and the City.
Le sigh. No more snarky Miranda quips to steal. No more outfits to copy. No more, “I had to wonder…”s. I want the entire collection that comes in the pink box. WITHOUT the movies.
2. The time when being pale was chic.
This was probably 1890 when it was fashionable to never go outside because you had the help to do that for you. I hate tans - I really do. I even hate tan Barbies. They look dirty. The same goes for living people, too.
3. When Lifetime used to play Will and Grace & The Golden Girls around the clock.
I have no interest in How I Met Your Mother or any of that crap. I want old ladies being dirty and gay culture. I want Sophia’s one liners and jokes about Grace being jewish and eating chicken (It’s real and it’s deep).
4. When Nick Arrojo was on What Not to Wear.
Ted, you are too gentle with these idiots. Nick used to hack their ponytails off & wave them in their faces. Tough love. We don’t want to see them cry in the chair, get the haircut, then cry again when Carmindy puts their face on.
I catch it every now and again on Logo, but it’s so funny and true and relevant.
6. When MTV used to play music videos.
Now it’s just Teen Mom 24/7. I can’t watch that show. It angers me.
7. Reading for pleasure.
I remember when I asked for Barnes & Noble gift cards because I went through books so fast I couldn’t afford them. Now all I read are cases and statutes. I do still read a book or two over Christmas and Summer. But I miss literature.
8. When the Target Go International lines were good.
Erin Fetherston? Luella Bartley, anyone? Libertine, Thakoon. The latest ones have been a joke. Zac Posen, you let me down. I had high expectations for your line. You too, Rodarte. Still waiting for you to make this up to me.
9. The Yoplait raspberry & chocolate mousse Whips.
The chocolate is still there, but this one was infinitely better & I used to buy it ALL the time. Then they just went away. What happened, Yoplait? I was buying them.
10. Lemon coolers.
This involves backstory: When I was little and living in Virginia, my grandaddy would buy bread from the Rainbow Bread Factory store we had in town. They sold boxes of cookies called lemon coolers. They were shaped like Nilla wafers, except they tasted like lemon and were covered in powdered sugar. They were the best. They are extinct.
11. Not winning Elecution in elementary school.
I was robbed.
12. Not getting an award for my 6th grade social studies project on the Titanic.
It was glorious, thorough, eloquent, informative, a thing of beauty. I was robbed.
13. Not winning my Trial Ad competition two weeks ago.
I was robbed. Not really. I was beaten, I’m just still sore about it. But in the preceding two instances I was really robbed. Looking back as an adult I can see how awesome I was, and I can confidently claim favoritism.
14. A gold strawberry earring.
I inherited them and lost one in my dorm room my first year of college. Still upset. When I have money I’ll get a jeweler to copy the one I have.
15. Being able to read the news like a normal person.
For example, when I read that Dov Charney was facing yet another sexual harassment suit, I didn’t think “Oh, what a creeper;” I started going over the elements the plaintiff has to meet to prove quid pro quo sexual harassment & hostile work environment, and how she’s probably not going to be able to prove quid pro quo but she could get hostile work environment because it’s easier & I hope she filed that. Law school has changed the way I think & that scares me.